As you’ve no doubt discerned, the rock and roll industry attracts some oddballs. Well, let me introduce an effeminate young fish to rival even the most peculiar. Meet “Princess” Rob. Cripes, he’s strange – maybe even cuckoo – and I do wish he’d stop scratching his willy in public.
‘Must be the soap I use,’ he explained in Helsinki the other morning, his right hand idly fingering his groin. Now, picture a man watching sport in his front room, absent-mindedly toying with his testicles, and then transfer the image to say, a supermarket aisle, a committee meeting, or indeed (as was the case) the load-in area of the Hartwall Arena on the Prince Tour.
As rigging cases sailed down the truck ramps, he put out his bottom lip, duly rebuked, looking as fragile as a porcelain doll. In fact he could scarcely have looked more vulnerable had he donned a flimsy cambric nightgown with lace ruffles at the wrists. Or, if one were to give him the swashbuckling benefit of the doubt, in pale cream pantaloons, an embroidered jerkin and sporting a tortoise shell lorgnette. I think that gives you more than an adequate mental picture; suffice to say he’s a trifle camp.
Despite his earlier gentle scolding, as we began discussing our imminent drive to Oslo, I noticed his hand had remained down his shorts. Perhaps it was a reassuring hand. Perhaps it was nothing more sinister than a comforter, akin to a toddler’s blanket or an infant’s dummy. But can we let societal norms of restraint simply evaporate in the face of an itchy knob?
‘I need to go tinkle now,’ he wailed with a woebegone expression, bottom lip aquiver. It leads one, unfortunately, to form the unwavering first impression that here lies a buffoon. Yet, you’d be wrong; Princess is not nearly as guileless as he looks.
Yes, he’s certainly a queer fish, but not only is he a dab hand logistically, he has a pilot’s licence too. Ooh, and an aeroplane at his disposal. So, Le Touquet anybody? Apparently we have space for one medium-sized girl. Bikini auditions will commence from Aug 23rd. Hooray!
Oh, and bring some Kitkats. He’ll do anything for a chocolate finger..