Women are complex. Or are they?

‘A few laughs and a stiff prick – that’s all a girl wants. I read it in a magazine,’ said Rupert Everett in the film Hysteria. Well, let’s look into that for a minute.

Can you believe that, until 1952, “female hysteria” was a common medical diagnosis? The prominent Greek physician, Galen, claimed this chronic disease – a disorder of the uterus, making women “difficult” – stemmed from sexual inactivity. Rather lends credence to Everett’s lines, no?

Eight hundred years later a Persian doctor suggested a rubbing treatment, to bring peace to “sick” women. And then in the nineteenth century, at the height of Victorian prudishness, a “cure” was offered. Let me set the scene for you, Ladies.

Sexually Frustrated

There you are in the drawing room, wearing a sexy crinoline and hoop skirt. Yeah, sure, by all means don an uncorseted tea gown if you’re a raunchier maiden.

The point is that the afternoon entails crocheting a bedspread while scones burn in the oven. And I daresay a Chopin sonata is playing in the background. Got the picture?

With no prospect of a good seeing-to later in the evening, are you feeling unfulfilled and hysterical? Well, lie on your back behind a curtain; the unrelenting scientific rollercoaster is coming to the rescue.

Diligent doctors forsook their wrists, selflessly daubed their fingers in musk oil and got to work. The treatment: apply gentle index finger pressure and circular rotation to the vulva. Reapply oil as needed.

Ah, yes, the symptoms are abating; your breathing is gaspier, your cheeks are reddening. Good steady pressure, that’s the key. My dear Watson, she seems to be “better”.

Wiggly-Jiggly Squealer

Wrists aching, Gents? Luckily, Joseph Mortimer Granville enters the fray. An experiment with a spinning feather duster and, voila, the portable electric massager – or the Jolly Molly – was born.

Also known colloquially as Granville’s hammer – dreadful, I know – the vibrator was regarded solely as a medical tool. More doctor-delivered hysterical paroxysm than orgasm.

Well, a tweak here, a groove there, add batteries, and we have the modern day electric vibrator. Now a billion dollar industry, with names such as the Trojan Vibrating Twister, it remains the single most popular sex toy in the world today.

So why are women still so “difficult”? Maybe ask a woman living in Alabama or India, where vibrator sales are illegal. Coo, the doctors must be working overtime down there..