Sexting: Cock-a-Doodle-Doo…

Guys, I know self-improvement for a man ends at toilet training…but what’s with this sexting business? Why do you feel compelled to send pictures of yourself in various states of arousal to women you haven’t slept with? It’s a particularly inexplicable quirk. There I was, having a meal with my friend Kate the other night … Read more

Pepped up by Pussy..

Driving along the M25 the other day, I saw a huge billboard advertisement. ‘PUSSY,’ it read. ‘An energy drink that actually tastes good.’ Clever? Or clinching proof that society has degenerated even further? In fact, is it a bad thing, do you think, that few people would bat an eyelid nowadays when ordering a “screaming … Read more

Chocolate or Sex? Or Both?..

There is a science to luck. I mean, take those so impoverished that they have to share a helicopter with another family. Tragic, eh? They could be deemed unlucky in life. But odds can be coaxed and cajoled. Guys, write this down. The following is a tried and tested method – devised by me in … Read more

All The Single Ladies…

The touring season has begun again in earnest; a pantheon of feted legends are soon to be gracing stages Europe-wide. Springsteen goes out at the end of the month; Bon Jovi’s trucks head down to Sofia (Bulgaria) in a couple of weeks; and I’ve ended up tottering about for superstar Beyonce. Yes, obviously I had … Read more

Off With Her Head!…

‘More roasted songbirds,’ an Elizabethan dignitary might once have bellowed. Mauve of cheek, with honey-glazed venison protruding from his pendulous jowls, he cuts quite the powerful figurehead. But this is only the hem of the garment, so to speak. Eels seethed in wine are brought to the table by a curtsying maid, her skin the … Read more

One Up The Bum – Considerable Harm Done..

I’ve been thinking about punishment this week. No, not devising a ladder rack large enough to dislocate Namibians; more like dwelling on that San Marino Torture Museum. It was a grizzly experience, and I’m chagrined by the depths of human cruelty. Don’t get me wrong. Leaning marginally to the right, I wouldn’t lose any sleep … Read more

50 Shades of Nonsense..

I’m spoiled, really. How many men can boast of owning a helicopter? Holy Cow, very Fifty Shades. It comes with its problems, naturally – e.g. time to fly it – but these are by no means insuperable. But in order to fly such a precision machine, one must don goggles, pervert gloves – Holy Fuck, … Read more

Finnish That Drink…

‘That’s why they get this boat,’ said the ship’s barman. ‘So they can behave like arseholes.’ The Viking Line XPRS nudged out of Helsinki – a market town founded in 1550, currently celebrating its 200th year as capital – bound for Tallinn, Estonia. Outside the windows lay rocky, low-lying islets; inside lay karaoke. ‘I don’t … Read more

A Swedish Pervert..

There is a certain protocol to be observed when a man is taking a piss. Yes, a conversation can be held – e.g. ‘Have you found it yet?’ or ‘Hurry up; more than three shakes is playing with yourself,’ – but one must conduct this discourse in a certain fashion. That is to say, eye … Read more

Internet Dating Gone Mad..

The other evening I received a text message from a pal. It read: ‘Been on www.grannyslappers.co.uk? The lecturer from Putney is gonna get my knob asap.’ Well, I was touched at his evident warmth for this girl, a creature that he would no doubt run a mile in tight shoes for. In fact, wanting to … Read more