I’m being ridiculed. What for? Well, for mentioning that I thought Morgan Freeman was sex on legs in the movie Along Came a Spider. What’s worse, though, is that the man passing judgement is my pal Eunuch, a chap who admits to finding it ergonomically impractical to wear one’s girlfriend’s knickers.

‘You’ll always call me “Eunuch”, won’t you, Barn?” he asks, as he assiduously removes a pepper’s innards in my kitchen. ‘It wouldn’t matter if I brought a 52-seater full of slags down to your place and boned the shit out of the lot of them in your spare room, would it? I could pound away like the London Underground and I’d still be Eunuch.’

Yep. Crass, derogatory talk notwithstanding, he’s absolutely right. But what are the chances? For a start, you can’t park a bus in my street. A trifle unfairly, he adds: “I suppose you want to shag Samuel Jackson as well, do you?’

Why Morgan Freeman?

To get down to brass tacks, is my admission really so risible? I wouldn’t say Morgan is conventionally handsome, but he’s so dominant. I think it’s the way he moves and speaks: grounded, and with those hard, self-assured eyes that twinkle just a little when he’s amused.

Well, that’s quite enough of being in touch with my feminine side – at this rate I’ll be pigeonholed as a gender-bender. Mind you, as you can see, I don’t scrub up too badly with a little lippie and a wig? By Jove, were those heels uncomfortable.

Right, well to restore the balance, I’ll wolf whistle at a few filthy MILFs this evening on my way to a Dress Rehearsal… Ooh, speaking of which – rehearsals, not MILFs – there is an exciting project happening this week:

Surrey Opera

Surrey Opera is presenting the World Première of the rediscovered opera Thelma by Samuel Coleridge-Taylor. Details – synopsis, a little about Surrey Opera, and a write-up on SC-T in case you’re getting muddled up with that poetic chappie called Taylor-Coleridge – can be found on Surrey Opera’s website.

I, naturally, am playing Principal Trombone in the pit orchestra and would welcome you popping your head over the rail at the end of Act One and asking if I might like a stiff one. Or even a drink.

Book now, either online or by phone. See you Thursday, Friday or Saturday evening this week. Do let me reiterate that this is a World Première, and so it’s no good thinking you might catch it next time around..