Down on Hastings seafront is a hodgepodge of film lorries. ‘Expecting any stars, are we?’ I asked a chap unloading his van. ‘Heaps of them,’ he said brusquely. I felt like one of those imbecilic fatheads (also known as fans) that have seriously approached me on a U2 Tour, asking, ‘So which truck does Bono sleep in?’ It has taken concerted restrain not to say that I string up a hammock in the trailer for him.

Regardless… Whoops, I nearly said irregardless then, something I’ve had to correct grown-ups on in the past. As a slight aside, you can discount anything lexicographers and etymologists might have to say on the subject; I’m telling you that the prefix and suffix cancel each other out and leave us with a nonsense.

So, irrespective – ah, that’s safer – of what the van driver had to say, we are expecting a star or two down here on the Sussex coast. Gemma Arterton is due, known by me at least as the character Stawberry Fields – she gave a coruscating performance in the James Bond film Quantum of Solace. Saoirse Ronan is playing her daughter.

Tidal Topography

Byzantium is an Irish film directed by Neil Jordan. And as far as I can tell, they’re trying to make shots of the sea in Hastings look like Ireland. Potty, but it might have something to do with the prices: beer is certainly cheaper here than in Dublin. And did you know that we don’t pay stamp duty? We’re regarded as a disadvantaged area. Anyway, it’s no good reading this and thinking about heading down the A21 at the weekend; the circus leaves on Thursday. Time is of the essence.

Gemma, if you’re reading this, is the shower in your B&B up to scratch? Does the hot tap give a deprecating cough? And have you been allotted any biscuits with those naff Nescafe sachets next to the kettle?

Well, luckily for you, I’m home during the day this week if you’d like to pop up the hill for a bath. There’s a Fisher Price watermill for you to play with, fluffy towels purloined from various spas, and I’ll even throw in a freshly brewed cafetiere…if you can introduce me to James Bond.

Late morning on Wednesday works best for me. So shoot me an email on your Blueberry – see my Contact page for details – and I’ll pop the kettle on..