Only yesterday I popped into Dublin town centre without an umbrella. Yes, I know – talk about living on the edge. As squalls ravaged the streets, a grim foreboding stole across me; I realised I was trapped in a pub with two bibulous Irish women. How could I leave, given the weather?
‘Ah, for feck’s sake, I’d offer it up to be sure,’ simpered Karen, thinly veiling a reference to sex. Adele smiled winsomely, mutely soft-soaping me, and ordered another round of Guinness. Gosh, if only I’d taken a brolly, I could’ve headed back to finishing my crossword instead of becoming steeped to the gills, drunker even than a bishop. Still, as Lord Byron said, ‘Man, being reasonable, must get drunk.’
As Barnaby Davies said, ‘Man, being a bit worse for wear, must go home and have a little lie-down.’ Possibly not as catchy as Byron, but equally as shrewd, I think. Now then, here’s a tip. Do not text, call or email after a skinful.
That ought to be obvious, yet alcohol does seem to engender the odd ripe-with-regret moment. Take Cockney Russ, Status Quo’s main driver, for example (pictured centre). Should he have texted the wife at 4.30 this morning, beset by a legion of confused thoughts? ‘Daddy thinks he’s still a teenager,’ she had to explain to their young daughter.
Better still, how many replies do you think this world-beating advertisement in the Glasgow Lonely Hearts column received? “23 stone Gemini seeks nimble sexpot for tango sessions and humid nights of screaming passion.” I daresay our well-fed man was impelled by a superhuman quantity of lager at the time of writing.
Or how about this apocryphal blinder, also penned by optimism rising bravely from the boozy depths. “Ginger haired Paisley man seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.” Yes, it’s always worth sitting on such mawkish gems until after the morning cuppa.
Harley Davidson’s 110th Anniversary
Anyway, here I am borne along with romantic notions again when really what I wanted to mention was motorcycling. Would you like to ride a Harley-Davidson for free?
Well, you may or may not know that this year Harley-Davidson celebrates its 110th year. And if you’ve got a bike licence and fancy any of the places listed below over the next few months then you’re in for a treat. There are two lots of 24 brand new UK motorbikes on tour waiting to be ridden – all on 13 plates.
Turn up to any of the below events, check out the Daisy Duke look-a-likes in hot pants and cowboy hats, and exchange your licence for a free ride of a Harley of your choice. Try not to dump the clutch and fall off, though – these bikes aren’t cheap. Hey, and go easy on the throttle..
[Dates: 25th/26th May St Petersburg, Russia or Thessaloniki, Greece; 1st/2nd June Moscow or Athens; 8th/9th June Krasnodar, Russia or Rome; 15th/16th June Kiev or Rome; 22nd/23rd June Minsk or Zagreb; 28th/29th June Warsaw or Budapest; 5th/6th July Lodz, Poland; 6th/7th July Bratislava, Slovakia; 12th/13th July Brno, Czech Republic; 20th/21st July Presov, Slovakia or Beroun, Czech Republic; 27th/28th Ostrava, Czech Republic; 3rd August Poznan, Poland; 9th/10th August Wroclaw, Poland.]