The other evening I received a text message from a pal. It read: ‘Been on www.grannyslappers.co.uk? The lecturer from Putney is gonna get my knob asap.’

Well, I was touched at his evident warmth for this girl, a creature that he would no doubt run a mile in tight shoes for. In fact, wanting to know more about this turtledove to whom he’d plighted his troth, I set up a quick profile on the website immediately.

I hit “Return”, the browser refreshed and a phalanx of mature, discerning ladies filled the screen. What a smashing idea, I reflected, to cater for experienced, minxish women knowing what they’re looking for in a man – the Mrs. Robinsons of today, if you like, smouldering seductively in hold-ups and driving their soft-top motorcars.

Older women..

My pulse raced. Salaciously, as though truffling for treasure, I clicked the mouse…and a large fissure began to form, the proverbial knell of doom ringing out aloft. Seldom in the annals of heady adventure has the sweet aroma of sexual promise smelt more like stale urine. There, sitting before me, astride the catchy slogan of “An Easy Shag is a Granny Shag”, was an androgynous blonde carcass. Tut, I thought, and popped the kettle on.

Returning, I gloomily read a front-page testimonial – just while the tea brewed, you understand – written by Joan. ‘I’m 48 and Grannyslappers is a great place to meet guys who appreciate me,’ she stated. Call me cynical if you like, Joan, but if my chum’s intentions towards his infernal Putney lecturer are anything to go by, our definitions of appreciation may differ just a soupcon.

The best testimonial, however, was yet to come.

Love at First Sight

Before shutting down the PC for the day, I briefly found myself in insalubrious waters. In one window was www.plentymorefish.com, for naughty, open-minded  “fish”; in another lay www.fuckbook.com, a community platform for adults; and in yet another – www.colombiancupid.com – I found the mother lode. ‘Wow!’ Steven had written. ‘What an amazing feeling to find your soul mate just one continent away.’

Have a little think about that statement. Just imagine, for those of you in the UK, that within the eminently narrow confines of Asia’s breadth – yes, amongst a mere couple of billion people or so  – that somebody compatible could exist. Coo, Steve’s a pretty lucky chap, huh? I mean, what were the chances?

The Yellow Peril

But, guys, before you go ordering yourself a bride from www.chineselovelinks.com, why not see if you can order, I mean find, a girl round the corner? Need some help writing a great dating profile? Check out Marni’s blog – trust me, it’s worth reading if you’re a single guy uncomfortable with walking up to a random girl and saying, ‘Whatho, give me five minutes and I’ll be free for coffee.’

That, I’m afraid, is my final word on the minefield of online intimacy; I’ve come over all unnecessary and need a lie-down. Ooh, but hallo, what do we have here? “Www.analloverdating.com – the eighth deadly sin?” Oh, for goodness’ sake. Still, it ties in rather neatly with this news article on Sinead O’Connor..