I nurse my pint of Sprite – a guest ale, not the lemonade – and take in the rampant stallion before me. Pervy Ray brushes a 63-year-old hand through thinning grey hair, takes a sip from his glass and proceeds as interviewee.

‘You’ve heard of The Sex Maniacs Ball, of course?’ he asks rhetorically. ‘Well, I was kind of unofficial stage manager.’ He adjusts his appalling battleship-coloured waistcoat, a vestment that a vagrant wouldn’t be seen dead in, and clears his throat. ‘Do you remember Rock Bitch?’ he asks. ‘They came to my Ball once and performed at my peep show.’

He’s in a reverie now, lost in a smorgasbord of smutty memories. In fact, if I’d popped to the toilet, he’d scarcely have noticed. ‘They were great,’ he muses. ‘They pissed all over me, and I was up to my elbow with two of them. Christ, they were wild. They even got banned from Holland…and that takes some doing.’

Ugly mingers?

Throughout the evening, it has occurred to me that some or all of these women mentioned – “gangbang girls”, one could dub them – might not be supermodels. Rough as arseholes, perhaps? In fact, like the back end of a bus is an expression that leaps to mind. And, frankly, what sort of women are they, anyway?

‘Normal women,’ chirps Pervy Ray. ‘Two tits and rude.’ Coo, what a charmer. ‘Rudeness wins over looks, definitely,’ he adds. ‘But I’ll show you a few holiday snaps before we unload.’ So, the dregs of beer are promptly slurped and we pop back to the trucks – to revel in Ray’s pervy laptop photos, some of which actually were taken on holiday.

Pervy Photos..

He opens a Pictures folder at random, just one of a panoply of pornographic images. And, much as I’m loath to admit, the ladies are perfectly acceptable. Not that one could possibly judge purely on an aesthetic plane, of course.. Above is one of the more suitable pictures of Ray twenty (or possibly thirty) years ago. Sorry it’s so small. (I’ve added a random picture from my laptop to make up for it: it’s Lewis waiting for me to leave a hotel room in Barcelona. Notice his left hand.)

‘This is Jackie dogging in a lay-by,’ narrates Pervy Ray, candidly. ‘And this is Sue giving me a blowjob outside my truck. Ooh, that’s here, actually – right where your cab’s parked. And that’s my arm…it seems to feature quite a lot in these pictures for some reason…’ I think you get the gist.

Ah, but I think I spot a flaw at last in Ray’s hedonistic garden of delight. What about that yummy snuggling after making love with one special woman? Nope, the sanctimonious bugger has got that angle covered, too. ‘I’ve been happily married since 1966,’ he says airily. ‘Used to shag her on stage in Amsterdam, actually. You must know the Casa Rosso?…’ Oh crumbs, he’s off again..