The sustainability of this planet is threatened by many factors. The Number One problem is that there are just too many human beings living on it.
The majority of those, in the West at least, have become too fat from eating an unsustainable amount of meat. Unfortunately the vast majority of the meat eaters are unwilling to embrace vegetarianism, still regarding it as a bit weird and probably homosexual. My proffered plan, however, proposes a far neater carnivorous solution: start eating each other. Yes. This would tidy things up beautifully, providing a simple solution to a complex problem – a problem which cannot remain unsolved for very much longer.
To start with we’d eat the prison population; they’re generally a pretty useless lot, very expensive to keep and have proved incapable of contributing very much to society. First to be consumed would be the hardened criminals, although their very hardness would likely make them the least palatable.
They’d require a long cooking time in a slow oven to fully tenderise the meat. A note of caution here though: no matter how tempting the crackling might look, it must be discarded – the ink in the tattoos is not a food-grade additive.
An alternative recipe for the really stringy bastards would be a slow casserole or Irish stew. A watchful eye would need to be kept for rogue piercings in the food, although even these could provide entertainment for children – like the sixpence in the Christmas pudding.
Before moving on to the lesser criminals – some of whom could be spared if they showed a genuine interest in gardening – we’d need to hunt down and eat the litter louts and fly-tippers. Boiling would be the preferred cooking option for this group despite running the risk that they’d reduce completely to just a worthless scum.
Gordon Brown and Robert Mugabe would need to be turned into a very thin soup which could be handed out to the citizens most affected by the way each of them has brought their country to its knees.
It’s a shame to have to include Jeremy Clarkson and Terry Wogan in this list as they’re both fairly witty and entertaining men, but their obstinate refusal to acknowledge man’s effect on climate change mean they’ve become figureheads for the glib complacency of anyone who is too lazy to care, and as such they really mustn’t be spared.
It would be wrong of course to discriminate against anyone with genuine learning difficulties ……. but ….. those people who pick up dog shit, tie it in a non degradable plastic bag then leave it at the side of the path for ever. Duh! And then we’d save a nice plump banker for the Christmas roast.
Not a bad plan, eh? And that’s before we even start on the foreigners…