Happy Christmas 2012

That was unusual. I woke earlier this week to the sound of two fellows mowing the roof. Yes, I did say the roof. Why mention it? Because the building in question, to follow on prosaically from last week, is allegedly France’s biggest indoor arena – The Palais Omnisport de Paris-Bercy. Yes, Walking With Dinosaurs rolls … Read more

Dinosaurs in Lyon..

Have you heard of Walking With Dinosaurs? It’s a corking Arena Spectacular, well worth shelling out to attend, if only for the unmitigated joy of frightening your children. Yes, you’ve guessed correctly – I’m involved in the trucking. To be specific, I have an Ankylosaurus in my trailer. ‘She won’t bite,’ I say to bothersome Customs … Read more

I’d almost miss Australians…

‘Kiwis?’ asked my Australian colleague. ‘Yeah, you just tap them on the head and their knickers fall off.’ Doubt dandered along the embankment of my thoughts, like a nagging suspicion that you’ve left the front door unlocked. Nope, no matter how tightly I squeezed shut my eyes, my evening with a coquettish New Zealander remained … Read more

50 Shades of Nonsense..

I’m spoiled, really. How many men can boast of owning a helicopter? Holy Cow, very Fifty Shades. It comes with its problems, naturally – e.g. time to fly it – but these are by no means insuperable. But in order to fly such a precision machine, one must don goggles, pervert gloves – Holy Fuck, … Read more

Finnish That Drink…

‘That’s why they get this boat,’ said the ship’s barman. ‘So they can behave like arseholes.’ The Viking Line XPRS nudged out of Helsinki – a market town founded in 1550, currently celebrating its 200th year as capital – bound for Tallinn, Estonia. Outside the windows lay rocky, low-lying islets; inside lay karaoke. ‘I don’t … Read more

Ready, Steady, Splash…

Surely he won’t do it. Surely, as a man of 23, he’ll see sense. Surely, realising that bicycles and salt water are uneasy bedfellows, Anton The Fearless will abort. Surely… Oops, too late. He’s picking up speed, pedalling like billy-o along the jetty. Cogito ergo sum – I think, therefore I am. But does he … Read more

A Danish Close Shave…

My brain wouldn’t work. Why was this lady kneeling in the corridor, flapping her hands? Was she having an epileptic fit? ‘Dunno,’ answered my brain, still sulking at being disturbed from a jolly dream about boats. ‘It’s 1am, I’ve been awake only half an hour and you haven’t made me a cup of tea yet.’ … Read more

Dutch Royal Saan Looking for Assistant Lead Driver NOW

  Position Title: Assistant Lead Driver Arena Show  Location: European continent Date Posted: October 18th, 2012   Employer: Koninklijke Saan.  Koninklijke Saan (Royal Saan) is a Dutch logistics service provider with the head-office near Amsterdam. With their business unit Event Logistics, Royal Saan build a strong partnership with several clients over the last decade. Royal … Read more

Tattoos: What do you Think?

Behind a squat, ugly dog – all muscle and jowls – strode its owner. This was to be Rambo’s tattooist, recommended by a Copenhagen barman the night before. A key was turned, we entered a dingy affair near Parken stadium and Rambo rolled up his trouser legs.   Thigh-high Skull Tattoos   Besmirching of the skin? … Read more

The GDR (DDR in Deutsch)…

I’ve been interested in East Germany for a long time now. It started perhaps when a guide on a  free walking tour of Berlin pointed out “smell jars”, in which the Stasi – the GDR’s secret network of police and informers – hoarded people’s sweat by wiping their seats after interrogations. Meticulous, calculating captivity thronged … Read more