The touring season has begun again in earnest; a pantheon of feted legends are soon to be gracing stages Europe-wide.

Springsteen goes out at the end of the month; Bon Jovi’s trucks head down to Sofia (Bulgaria) in a couple of weeks; and I’ve ended up tottering about for superstar Beyonce. Yes, obviously I had to look her up on Youtube to see who she is. For those that also live in caves, she’s an American girl with a dazzling smile, soaring in popularity in the last ten years since leaving Destiny’s Child and going solo.

Last week, at East Midlands airport, UK, over 200 tons of gear arrived from America on two jumbo jets, and was trans-shipped onto Transam’s trucks. Before going airside, however, truck cabs had to be emptied. And when I say “emptied”, I mean stripped of all personal effects: clothes, gas stoves, testicle stretchers etc. The full monty. It’s amazing what one accumulates.

Naturally, given the inordinate amount of red wine, trombone music and tourist brochures I carry, this was potentially problematic for me. Solution? The fellows in

the office very kindly instead sent me (and a colleague) to Sound Moves near London Heathrow – a specialist in freight forwarding solutions to the entertainment industry – to pick up the 22-ton overspill.

Irreplaceable

Heaven knows what a DB25 Analog Output Fan, a L5-15 Rack Box, or a Blazon-3 Intercom Beacon is, but we chucked these items in the back, tooted the lorry horns to signal our departure, and raced off to Beyonce rehearsals in Belgrade, Serbia.

Well, I say raced. All this nonsense of nine hours driving every day is such a bourgeois convention, much like using cutlery at mealtimes and getting out of the bath for a piss. What I say is if you’ve got a week to complete a journey, why not visit chums on the way – take Crazy Sandra in Germany, for example, who happened to have just bought a Harley Davidson Dyna Super Glide 1600.

Run The World (Girls)

‘The Harley’s custom made,’ she enthused, replete with excitement and looking as animated as a small child might do if handed both a lollipop and a ticket to a fairground ride. ‘It’s a bit lower, look, for a pig with short legs. I really am a pig, actually – sometimes, when my snoring’s too loud, I wake myself up. Ha ha. You need more tea?’

Anyway, we’ve arrived at Belgrade Arena now – all 25 or so trucks. So let’s dump these blasted Expanded Beam Fibre Optic Cables, Cat5 Snake 4-ways and suchlike, and set off on an adventure. Ooh, Sarajevo’s not far away if you look at the map…