I’m spoiled, really. How many men can boast of owning a helicopter? Holy Cow, very Fifty Shades. It comes with its problems, naturally – e.g. time to fly it – but these are by no means insuperable.

But in order to fly such a precision machine, one must don goggles, pervert gloves – Holy Fuck, what’s he going to do with them? – and remove all loose clothing. Hair, if one has any, must be tied in a bun. Strict instructions such as these (possibly augmented with artistic licence) must be adhered to at all times.

The non-gyro indoor helicopter from Aldi also comes with a recommendation that it shouldn’t be flown outdoors.

Airborne Dog Fight

Far down below, the winking lights of Dad’s USB ports fade out. The choppers are fully charged and we are going head to head for the great British rag-off in the Sitting Room of Humiliation. Holy Crap, charged choppers? The tension is palpable; two of the nation’s adrenalin titans prepare to battle it out in loose clothing. ‘These aren’t pyjamas,’ says Dad, an injured expression playing around his eyes. ‘This is a lounge suit.’

And we’re off…to a shaky start. Dad’s chopper is out of trim immediately, scuttling and spinning wildly into the fireplace like a demented beetle – possibly owing to a rotor malfunction or a substandard Tesco Value battery. Holy Smoke, lined up next to the woodburner is an array of prods and shovels. What sort of a pervert?

Ooh, I’ve actually managed to get mine up, though. That’s it, ease her gently off the carpet before upping the power, channelling waves of electricity pulsing through her delicate plastic frame. Steady now, keep a firm hand on the controls. Holy Shit. Think where those hands have been. Desire pools in my belly, and lower, deeper…down there.

Seattle or Seaton?

Wow! The view of the television from up here is incredible. Far below, Dad’s inferior machine spasms, putting in one last valiant attempt at the high-jump before giving a sickly Phut. But my ride is timeless, the Humiliation Room my oyster, domination within my grasp… Oh bollocks, I’ve crashed. The strong fluorescent lighting from the newly built Tesco in Seaton must have affected my flight controls.

Hey, if you haven’t yet read Fifty Shades of Grey, the world won’t collapse. Check into a hotel or two and, chances are, there’ll be a copy left in the room.

Barnaby Davies CEO