Northern Lights Now!

Sculpture Park, Reykjavik
Sculpture Park, Reykjavik

Have you booked your winter holiday yet? Has the idea of seeing the Aurora Borealis been germinating in the back of your mind? You’re just in time – this season is destined to be a tide of increased solar activity.

“But it’s cold,” I hear you cry. “I want to go to the Maldives.” Preparation, preparation, preparation: take an extra cardigan and some mittens. You can see the Maldives any time.  Well, I say that, but if icebergs keep thawing like the dickens, the islands may soon be underwater. What a conundrum, eh: the Northern Lights, or the Maldives? Or, before the ice disappears, Antarctica?

Polar Regions

Nearing Mt. Hekla summit, Iceland
Nearing Mt. Hekla summit, Iceland

Let’s explore your options: Antarctica is expensive. So, if you’re in that bedevilled class having to cope financially without even a butler after a succession of dizzying marriages, the choice essentially boils down to a toss-up between hypothermia or sunburn. Northern Lights or equatorial heat?

If you opt for heading to the circle around the Magnetic North Pole, bear this in mind: there is NO GUARANTEE that you’ll see the Northern lights. Talk of them is bandied about like confetti, but they are wilfully obtuse, appearing just when you’ve dug out the Scrabble and settled in, or often not at all. Therefore, take a trip with activities you’re interested in and regard any spectacular curtains of coloured light as a bonus.

Northern Lights Activities

Snaefellness Peninsula, Iceland
Snaefellness Peninsula, Iceland

Snowmobiling in Sweden; reindeer sledding in Norway; seal clubbing in Finland – since when did seals start clubbing? Or how about Iceland? There are cheap three-night Northern Lights packages at the moment, one of which includes a trip to Reykjavik’s geothermally heated Blue Lagoon. But did you specifically want an Arctic Circle certificate? Only the small island of Grimsey, 25 miles north of Iceland’s mainland, straddles the circle itself.

There are many adventures to be had, and all with the chance that the sun’s charged particles will collide with the earth’s, the gases producing captivating different colours. To put the butter on the spinach, senior NASA scientists are predicting that a solar peak this December will produce the best possible conditions for seeing the Northern Lights in the next decade. Food for thought..

Namibian’s on the Market…

P1000478Ladies, a window of opportunity has arisen. Do you remember this circumferentially challenged man? The man who sits down to pee because ‘it’s comfy’; a deeply resistible man; a man with the morals of an alley cat? Well, I have good news.

Four years ago you must have been distraught; when “Namibian” took his conjugal plunge and wiped out any trace you entertained of ensnaring him, it was a crushing blow. A selfish act on his part. Unthinking, I know. But you can now cease your snivelling like a bilious pigeon. He’s back on the market.

Eternal Love

Hockenheim Race Track
Hockenheim Race Track

Yes, his divorce will be done and dusted by November 21st, news that must have your heart dancing in your chest. There’s a beautiful symmetry to all this, you know – November 21st is the date he got married in 2009. (You can read about that here.)

Anyway, briefly jetting in between working on the Jay Z and Billy Joel tours, he lumbered through my front door last week. ‘Is your tummy full up with a baby?’ my son asked him, eyes widening at Namibian’s compact elegance. Namibian chuckled and embraced this opportunity to blow his own trumpet.

Healthy Eating

IMG_2730‘The doctors are really pleased with me,’ he bragged, producing a packet of cigarettes and ordering strong coffee. ‘Two and a half inches I’ve lost this year.’ No, not off his knob. Off his stomach. ‘I’m only 19 stone now,’ he beamed. Girls, if ever there was a time, this is it.

Yes, Namibian’s figure – his diet on the U2 Tour in 2010 remained as much a chimera as ever – is now positively willowy. He now glides effortlessly from sofas to toilets, and back to sofas.

Admittedly, he has the memory of a goldfish with Alzheimer’s, but what a fascinating life he’s led. Men, as you know, become more interesting as they age. And Namibian’s cultivated mind and broadness of outlook are certainly no exception. ‘I’m looking for a truck slut, really,’ he croaked.

Companionship

IMG_2485Whoops, that kerbstone English must have been a slip of the tongue. Really what he means – one has to read between the lines to decipher his blitzkrieg speech – is that he’s looking for company. ‘Somebody who’s not scared to get on a plane or a train.’ What could be more appealing? And I daresay you’ll get a backstage pass to boot.. Namibian is available!

Ah, you’re waiting for his contact details, I suppose. Well, he’s in the process of creating a brand new Facebook page saying he’s interested in women. But you should still  be able to find him under Colin Fox. Will you be Wife Number Four?..